The Starving Bachelor Swipes A Meal

After a full day of harvesting honeydew melons, carrots, winter squash, and pulling lots and lots of microscopic weeds from young beds of salad greens, I arrived back at my humble abode utterly devoid of anything remotely called “energy”. Probably didn’t help that I’d only had an Oreo or two for breakfast and not much more than that over lunch break.

In case you wondered, I’m not much for making or eating food. *sarcastic starvation laugh* I generally skip food times altogether, or find someone in the area to eat supper with. However, one can’t do that all the time, and so there I was, idly drumming my fingers on my refrigerator, wondering what I should do. Sadly, this is a very commonplace wonder, having been repeated many times over the last couple years. I actually wonder sometimes that I’m even still alive….anyway, my options floated without much energy or motivation through my weak and aimless skull—text someone to see if I could come over….

“Eh,” I said to myself. “I just don’t feel like it.”

“Theeeeeeennnnn,” said my skull to me, “how about…….Subway?”

I sighed. “I’m tired of Subway,” I grumbled. “And besides, recently they’ve been very stingy with their olives, their onions, AND their honey mustard dressing. Which is coming up on the unforgivable sin. AND, I’d have to drive alllllll the way into town and get it, and then drive alllllll the way back here and eat it. And then it would be gone, and I’d probably still be hungry.”

“Ok, Ok,” said my skull. “Enough already, you miserable wuss. How about cooking up that last can of beans you have? They were really good the other night.”

I sighed again. “My dear skull,” I remonstrated loftily, “I just don’t feelย like beans tonight. Think of something more adventurous.”

And then, my eye lit upon a saw that belonged to the older couple that lived up the hill from me. I also saw a drill bit that I was pretty sure belonged to them as well.

An idea wafted through the skull. It went kind of like this:

  1. Normal people eat supper about this time of day.
  2. It happens to be “about this time of day”.
  3. Those people up the hill are normal.
  4. They are also nice.
  5. I am hungry.
  6. Very. (see 5)
  7. This saw and this drill bit belongs to them. Who knows when they might need it again?

And, last but not least:

8. Those people eat food, lots of it, and very tasty.

I decided it was absolutely imperatively urgent that I return those items to them immediately. And I thought, “Hey, if they’re eating supper right now, I might interrupt them. And that might make them think about me, and, knowing me, that I probably haven’t eaten yet. And since they are nice people, they MIGHT just offer me a little something.

It worked just the way I hoped it would. ๐Ÿ™‚

I carted the things out to Benjamin (my trusty rig for the uninitiated), fired him up, and went rumbling up the driveway to their house; very innocently, and, need I add, very hungrily. It’s really quite sad how mercenary I’ve become these days. Some people are motivated by dollar signs. I’m motivated by the sight, sound, smell, or promise of food.

They were, as it happened, in the middle of supper. (who would have guessed?)

I pulled up and turned off the engine. (no sense leaving it on, since I might be staying a little longer than just to return a couple things.) We are supposed to walk by faith, are we not? ๐Ÿ™‚

“Hey!” I called out cheerfully as the husband came to the door.

“I have these things of yours I needed to return…..oh, did I interrupt your supper? I am SO sorry!”

His wife was right behind him. “Oh, Tim, would you like a grilled cheese sandwich?”

Hopefully I didn’t look too eager.

Hopefully I looked modest and calm.

Hopefully I acted nonchalant, stuffed to the gills, and lackadaisical as I said,

“SURE!! I’D LOVE ONE!!ย  (wouldn’t mind two)

So we put the tools in the garage and they invited me inside and sat me down and gave me water and a plate and a spoon and a fork and a sandwich and a whole bunch of food that was a sight for sore eyes.

I tried not to eat too quickly. And I tried to make conversation. But I was feeling rather jubilant inside.

“Too bad I don’t have more of their stuff down at my house. I should have returned stuff one item at a time….”

Later that evening, over dessert, he asked me, “So did you know we were going to be eating right now?”

I looked very innocent. “Well no, of course not! I didn’t KNOW…..”

3 thoughts on “The Starving Bachelor Swipes A Meal

  1. Well, at least you are honest!

  2. Haha! This is funny! Glad you were able to get yourself a good dinner!

    1. I am too! *rubs stomach contentedly.* ๐Ÿ™‚

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